“My family and I can never get away on vacation. Just when we are about to leave, my mother always gets sick and we have to stay home.”
“My dad says he doesn’t want to be a burden, yet he refuses any help from others. He only wants me.”
These statements – and ones like them – are made on a regular basis by grown children frustrated from trying to deal with their difficult parents. In their book “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent,” authors Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane, offer practical tips to help grown children work through issues with their parents.
Whether your older parent has been difficult for as long as you can remember or he recently became difficult as a result of a loss or illness, Lebow and Kane say the situation can be improved. The first step is to recognize that the problem is not solely with your parent’s behavior. You must look to the relationship between the two of you and recognize that this relationship can change even if your parent’s behavior cannot. Second, between you and your parent, you have the greatest capacity to change…especially if your parent has been difficult all of her life. Lastly, although you may never know what it is, SOMETHING is causing you parent’s difficult behavior. Although it may seem like your parent is intentionally being difficult, it is unlikely. She may be suffering from a personality, for example, that allows her no peace with herself. Now in her older age, with the added physical and emotional problems that everyone feels in the aging process, she is even more burdened with herself and her personality. Hopefully, recognizing this you can learn to re-channel your energies from the fruitless task of trying to change her to the more productive goal of learning practical ways of coping with her and her behavior.
In their book, Lebow and Kane categorize difficult older parents depending on their behaviors and then give tips on coping with these behaviors. One of these difficult types, the dependant parent, primarily exhibits clinging behavior. This parent, for example, cannot tolerate being alone and wants you there all of the time; becomes physically ill or overtly hostile when confronted with separation; or is unable to make decisions, looking to their grown children for even trivial decisions.
With a dependent parent, Lebow and Kane recommend trying not to allow yourself to behave like your parent. In other words, resist feeling mad and caught when your parent behaves unreasonably. Try not to hold onto anger by blaming your parent for putting you on a tight leash or feeling guilty by blaming yourself for her actions. Instead, choose to step back from your dependent parent’s behavior. Separate yourself emotionally. Understand that you are not responsible for her happiness.
Secondly, do not argue or reason with your dependent parent. Her behavior is not necessarily rational and therefore unlikely to be influenced by your words. Although her behavior may not change, you can change your reaction to her behavior. When possible, try bringing humor into the situation.
Lastly, decide ahead of time what you can and cannot do, then stick to it. If your mother pressures you to visit more often than you think is necessary or desirable, decide how often you can do it, schedule your visits, and follow your plan regardless of her reactions. If she calls you more often than you would like, get an answering machine to take some of those calls. Your mother or father may not like your limits at first. He or she may not ever get used to them and may keep complaining. But stick to them anyway. These are your boundaries. For your own well-being, you have to be firm about what is best for you.
Coping with a difficult parent is, in one word, difficult. Know you are not alone.
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