We have been reviewing Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This week, we come to Habit Five, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” This habit is THE key skill to communicating effectively with others. It is my favorite habit because it is versatile, applying to every relationship and nearly every situation.
Seeking first to understand then to be understood is the natural progression of many professions. For instance, in medicine, the physician must first diagnose the illness before the correct treatment can be prescribed. In law, an attorney must first understand the other side’s case before a defense can be prepared. A salesman must first know the needs of the customer before the right product can be recommended. In senior housing, an assisted living residence must first interview the incoming resident and family before the needed level of care can be determined.
Seeking first to understand then to be understood also applies to personal interactions. One of the deepest needs of each person is the need to be understood. When a person feels understood, they have psychological air to breathe. They feel open.
Moreover, when you truly understand someone, you are able to see the world as they see it. You have heard them because you have listened well. Understanding, however, does not mean that you agree with them. It means that you stand next to them to look at the issue from the same angle as they are, from their point of view.
Listening well is difficult though. Normally, we tend to listen – not with the intent to understand – but with the intent to respond. We usually filter what is being said to us through our own autobiographies. We project ourselves into the other person’s situation. “Oh yes, I see what you are saying. I have been there myself. Let me tell you about my situation.” Projecting is an obstacle of understanding. It is difficult to see the other person’s point of view because we are too busy looking at the situation from our own point of view.
Listening well means that you listen with your eyes, not only with your ears. It means that you notice the person’s nonverbal actions: their mannerisms, tone of voice, and tempo of words. All of these things give you information and help you understand what the other person is really telling you.
When responding, reflect the feelings you see, not the content of the statements. Do not focus on the words the person is saying. Reflect what you see. “You seem angry with me…That must have upset you…You feel strongly about that.”
When you believe you understand the person, confirm that you do by repeating what you think they are telling you, “Let me make sure I understand. I think you are telling me….”
Only after you are sure you understand, should you seek to be understood. Only after the other person feels understood, will they be ready to hear you. Not before.
In organizations the size of Ardmore Village, issues involving staff relations, human resources, resident concerns, government inspectors, and public relations come up on a daily basis. Habit Five helps me in all of these areas. I truly believe it will enhance your relationships at work and at home as well. Capisci?
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