Many times it is clear that your parent needs assistance: Your mother has fallen several times in the last two weeks; Her house is unusually dirty and messy; You suspect she has not been eating well. The problem is, when you try to help her, she refuses to accept your assistance, saying, “I’ve been taking care of myself for years. I’ll call you if I need help.”
In their book, Eldercare 911, authors Susan Beerman and Judith Rappaport-Musson, explain that the best approach to a parent who refuses help is to back off and look at the situation from a different perspective. Try to figure out why your mother does not want your help by putting yourself in her shoes.
Begin with the premise that your mother values her independence and wants to make her own decisions. Your help is a threat to this independence. If she admits to you that something is wrong, you will want to help her and want to solve her problem. In order to solve her problem though, you will need to get involved in her private life.
She may further believe that once you understand the full extent of her situation, you will ultimately take away her driving privileges or move her to an assisted living community or nursing home. She senses that from the moment you begin to help her, nothing in her life will be the same. She is absolutely right…help her anyway.
Although changes may be necessary for your parent’s health and safety, your parent may view these changes as degrading and discouraging. To prevent these negative feelings – or, at minimum, diminish them – Beerman and Rappaport-Musson recommend following three steps:
- Take time to think through your ideas and plans. For example, if you remove your father’s car to prevent him from driving, try to provide periodic alternative transportation so he can still run his errands, go to a movie, or to a restaurant.
- Talk to your parent before you make any changes. Include them in the decisions. Develop a continuing strategy to persuade your parent to do the right thing “in the interest of her health and safety.” It may take more than one meeting. Do not expect an automatic or quick agreement to your changes. When you talk to your mother about the benefits of following your suggestions, always put yourself in her position. Forget about what you want; figure out how your plan will help her achieve what she wants.
- Present your parent with choices so that she can continue to maintain some control and autonomy. If, for example, you are hiring a homecare worker, interview several candidates and choose two or three that you feel are a match for your mother’s healthcare needs and personality. Then let your mother interview these choices and make the final decision on which one she likes best. You will still have the worker you want and your mother will have had the final say in the decision. This approach will increase her feeling of control, which usually helps assure her cooperation.
Lastly, Beerman and Rappaport-Musson advise that if your parent refuses your help, try to understand that accepting your help may also mean an acknowledgement of “needing” help. Be patient, be gentle, and try to explain that your involvement is really for both of you: you are intervening because of love and concern and also because of the paid you feel witnessing her situation. Your persistence may annoy your mother today, but may save her life tomorrow.
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